Pointers for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

 

Simple Duties

You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car . . . . . . . . . . +1

You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to

make it to the nearest gas station . . . . . . . . . . -1

You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb . . . . . . . . . . +1

You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls away . . . . . . . . . . -1

You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish . . . . . . . . . . +1

You leave dishes in the sink. . . . . . . . . . . -1

You leave them under the bed. . . . . . . . . . . -5

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings . . . . . . . . . . +5

But return with beer . . . . . . . . . . -5

You leave the toilet seat up . . . . . . . . . . -1

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty . . . . . . . . . . 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex . . . . . . . . . . -1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom . . . . . . . . . . -2

You make the bed. . . . . . . . . . . +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows . . . . . . . . . . 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets . . . . . . . . . . -1

You check out a suspicious noise at night . . . . . . . . . . 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing . . . . . . . . . . 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something . . . . . . . . . . +5

You pummel it with a six iron . . . . . . . . . . +10

It's her father . . . . . . . . . . -10

 

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party . . . . . . . . . . 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy . . . . . . . . . . -2

Named Tiffany . . . . . . . . . . -4

Tiffany is a dancer . . . . . . . . . . -6

Tiffany has implants . . . . . . . . . . -8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly. . . . . . . . . . . +1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump . . . . . . . . . . -5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive,

you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" . . . . . . . . . . +1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say,

"Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" . . . . . . . . . . -6

That woman is her sister . . . . . . . . . . -90

You have one drink, and that's it . . . . . . . . . . 0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle . . . . . . . . . . -2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted . . . . . . . . . . -18

 

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together . . . . . . . . . . +3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car . . . . . . . . . . +4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar . . . . . . . . . . -2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it . . . . . . . . . . +3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional . . . . . . . . . . 0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk . . . . . . . . . . +3

Most of it chips and beer . . . . . . . . . . -6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den . . . . . . . . . . +15

Or refinishing the floors . . . . . . . . . . +16

Or rewiring the basement . . . . . . . . . . +17

Or adding a second floor . . . . . . . . . . +18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket . . . . . . . . . . -6

And you're tickled pink about it . . . . . . . . . . -15

You visit her parents . . . . . . . . . . 0

You visit her parents and actually make conversation . . . . . . . . . . +3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television . . . . . . . . . . . -3

And the television is off . . . . . . . . . . -6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear . . . . . . . . . . -6

And you didn't even go to college . . . . . . . . . . -10

And it's not your underwear . . . . . . . . . . -15

 

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner . . . . . . . . . . 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar . . . . . . . . . . +1

Okay, it is a sports bar . . . . . . . . . . -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night. . . . . . . . . . . -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of

your favorite team . . . . . . . . . . -10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player. . . . . . . . . . . +3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing. . . . . . . . . . . +4

If you stink . . . . . . . . . . +2

If you're not half bad . . . . . . . . . . +5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause . . . . . . . . . . -2

You give her a gift . . . . . . . . . . 0

You give her a gift and it's a small appliance . . . . . . . . . . -10

You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance . . . . . . . . . . +1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate . . . . . . . . . . +2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months . . . . . . . . . . +30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day . . . . . . . . . . -10

With her credit card . . . . . . . . . . -30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big . . . . . . . . . . -40

 

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely . . . . . . . . . . -10

You forget your anniversary . . . . . . . . . . -20

You forget to pick her up at the bus station . . . . . . . . . . -25

Which is in Newark, New Jersey. . . . . . . . . . . -35

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast . . . . . . . . . . -50

 

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal . . . . . . . . . . -5

And the pal is happily married . . . . . . . . . . -4

Or frighteningly single . . . . . . . . . . -7

And he drives a Trans Am . . . . . . . . . . -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) . . . . . . . . . . -15

You have a few beers . . . . . . . . . . -9

And miss curfew by an hour. . . . . . . . . . . -12

You get home at 3 am . . . . . . . . . . -20

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars . . . . . . . . . . -30

And not wearing any pants . . . . . . . . . . -40

Is that a tattoo??? . . . . . . . . . . -200

 

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying friend from work. . . . . . . . . . . +5

She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home late . . . . . . . . . . +10

You wait up . . . . . . . . . . +15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed . . . . . . . . . . +20

 

A Night At Home

You watch TV together . . . . . . . . . . 0

You rent a movie . . . . . . . . . . +2

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY . . . . . . . . . . +3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout . . . . . . . . . . +5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep . . . . . . . . . . -1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool . . . . . . . . . . -2

 

A Night Out

You take her to a movie . . . . . . . . . . +2

You take her to a movie she likes . . . . . . . . . . +4

You take her to a movie you hate . . . . . . . . . . +6

You take her to a movie you like . . . . . . . . . . -2

It's called DeathCop 3. . . . . . . . . . . -3

Which features cyborgs having sex . . . . . . . . . . -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans . . . . . . . . . . -15

 

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected. . . . . . . . . . . 0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it . . . . . . . . . . +5

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself . . . . . . . . . . +15

And she contracts Lyme disease. . . . . . . . . . . -25

 

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly . . . . . . . . . . -15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it . . . . . . . . . . +10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts . . . . . . . . . . -5

 

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical . . . . . . . . . . -5

Something she can't use . . . . . . . . . . -10

Such a a motorized model airplane . . . . . . . . . . -20

And your kid needs braces . . . . . . . . . . -30

In fact, all four of the kids need braces . . . . . . . . . . -120

 

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip . . . . . . . . . . -4

You lost the directions and end up getting lost . . . . . . . . . . -10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town . . . . . . . . . . -15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal . . . . . . . . . . -25

She finds out you lied about having a black belt . . . . . . . . . . -60

 

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?" . . . . . . . . . . -15

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding . . . . . . . . . . -10

You reply, "Where?" . . . . . . . . . . -25

 

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like

a concerned expression . . . . . . . . . . 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes . . . . . . . . . . +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV . . . . . . . . . . +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep. . . . . . . . . . . -10